Tiffany Noth

Tiffany Noth April 23, 2019 No Reply

We Turn Away from Pain

My Desert

Yesterday afternoon was gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. My children and I walked to the post office, and mailed in one of our packets for homeschool. We then continued on to a local restaurant for our traditional ice cream treats.

Though, this time, Savannah chose fried pickles. I love getting to see my children enjoy themselves.

I wanted to nitpick on myself and not allow myself any ice cream. But I decided to enjoy the moment. We have more homeschool years behind us than in front of us – and I’ll miss these moments.

At one moment, I glanced down at my peanut butter sundae and reminded myself – that this could… all of it… not exist.

The laughter I heard from Savannah and Joey. Their back and forth decisions over what to try this time. Their enjoyment of the entire outing.

Everything could be so different, so non-existent.

The first time that taking my life crossed my mind – was when Savannah was still growing and forming in my body.

My next wave of attacking thoughts came when Joey was growing inside of me.

Something that I’ve noticed when speaking on my experience with depression – is that for the most part, people turn away.

They don’t know how to react. They may be confused, disgusted – with each it’s different. But most everyone turns away.

Everyone except those who have experienced – either first hand or through a loved one.

I can’t know what would have happened if I had some very important people in my life turn away during those very difficult, and dark days in my life.

My husband never turned away – regardless of my depression, sadness, and anger. As confused and hurt as I’m sure he was. He never turned away. Regardless of what I doled out, he didn’t turn away.

My mother never turned away. Having seen a lot of depression in her line of work and friends or family – she was more experienced and never turned away.

My doctors never turned away.

I saw the reactions to people’s first encounter with me after reading my last post.

Those who approached me about it, had experience with it one way or another.

Some showed me love.

Others gave me a shocked look or “hello”.

I get it. I’m not sure that I would know how to react to others if I hadn’t experienced the same.

In fact, I’m sure that I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t understand that hope is so far removed that it is an entirely foreign concept.

I wouldn’t understand that people who are clinically depressed, aren’t “just really sad”. Though, there is an element of sadness. But it goes far beyond any emotion. It enters a void where emotion does not exist.

I get it. When I’m watching a movie and someone is about to be hurt – I turn away. I don’t look back until the hurt is gone.

We do that to others around us.

Instead of running to this type of hurt, we turn away and hope it goes away before we look back.

I could have missed out on yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

We’ve had so many fantastic memories.

I am so blessed that I had those who wouldn’t turn away.

Tiffany Noth April 2, 2019 No Reply

My Desert

This post is about depression. If you find the topic bothersome or triggering, please close out of this article now.

I don’t talk of this often, and usually only when I see someone else in danger. Or when I’m trying to make sense of the whole thing because I hear of someone who was lost in that desert.

In fact, I believe there will be many family members who will find out about it through this post.

Thing. What a strange word for such a deep and confusing set of chains that envelopes and takes control of your world – and every part of your being.

Such a battle, and yet I referred to this raging, yet silent war… as a thing.

At this moment, my face has become flush and tears are fighting their way down my face. My chest is heavy, and it’s difficult to breathe.

My mind becomes a whirlwind of confusion, sadness – and fear when I broach the topic. Fear because I’m afraid of its return. Sadness for all I went through, what others are experiencing, and what my family may have endured. Confusion, because I’m not sure why I stand here today, but for the Grace of God and His rescuing of me in a new way.

My throat has swelled with a lump that is painful, and I’m hoping that my children aren’t seeing me trying to tap out these words. But I feel a pull to finally stand up, and reach out to others in this desert.

Truthfully, I feel that this is something I was supposed to be very open about years ago – but have run from it. I have no eloquent or beautiful words for this – because there’s simply nothing attractive in it. My words will be short, my sentences choppy.

Several months ago, I was told of a young wife and mother who, tragically, decided to enter Heaven’s gates. Slowly, I heard that she too had been in this desert.

Her desert was a little different than mine, as my entrance into the desert was due to pregnancy. But these dark places are no less similar based on how we arrived there.

In fact, she left this world in a way that I can’t deny had crossed my mind periodically in the darkest days of my depression. Perhaps that is why she is in my mind almost daily. Maybe I’m confused on why she made the final decision or I’m mourning all that she left behind.

Sometimes, I feel guilty that I can’t save those who have been in my desert. But that horrible thing about this desert, is that we can’t always see each other.

I’ve been where she was moments before she left. But I’m here today – having experiences I couldn’t have imagined. Enjoying the sunrise. Feeling the warmth of a summer day. Playing in the snow. Taking my kids hiking. Yet, all the time, worrying that the dark cloud is following closely behind me. Living in fear that it will, at any moment, overtake me.

It has altered my life forever. So much so, that there are certain melodies and songs that I can’t listen to. Something about their drawn out sound or mixed notes reminds me of the emptiness I felt in the desert. I most certainly can’t listen to most anything recorded by Karen Carpenter. How odd is that. Many times, I have to quickly change the song on the radio – or go to some other place in my mind as certain hymns are sung in church. Yes, even some hymns carry these melodies.

Life is different. But it is good. I don’t take for granted that I get to hear the sounds of my children enjoying themselves when I’ve taken them to an amusement park, or the taste of ice cream when we celebrate mailing in our home school packets for the quarter.

The vast emptiness and hopelessness that exists in depression is difficult to explain – and I find that it can’t even be understood unless you have been buried in it. Unless you’ve too been swallowed by this mighty force, you can’t fathom what it is.

All of the love that my husband, and family had for me – weren’t enough to chase away the new world that you live in when depression has become your every moment.

If you’ve stumbled across this post and are experiencing depression, or my specific area in this desert which is Postpartum Depression, please know that there is a light in the darkness. Please reach out to someone – many someones – until someone believes you. If those around you say and do things that make it worse, please know:

Depression is not a sin.
Depression is not sadness.
Depression has no reflection in your walk with God. In fact, we see depression in several people we read of in the Bible.
Depression is not the end.
Depression is a liar.
Depression is not a result of pride in your life.

How depression is thought of can really run the gamut. But until it is experienced, it can not be truly understood. Seek out those who can have compassion even if they don’t have understanding.

Though I have that ever-present thought that my desert is looming in the background, I am living a life that I love and I thank God that I am here. I am no longer so deep in the darkness that the only way out is to leave this world. I will never do that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Tiffany Noth January 8, 2019 No Reply

A Brawling Woman…

Faith

This morning, after I finished my devotion and prayer time – I remained in the little corner of our couch where I snuggle up to sip coffee and spend time with my Lord. Cuddled under a warm blanket and finishing the remains of what had been a steaming cup of coffee, I began to flip through pages of scripture. Not seeking anything – just glancing over passages.

A verse captured my attention and I immediately wanted to push past it and continue my perusing. The passage always bothered me. Mostly because I had spent a lot of my life being angry – feeling as if I had every right. I just assumed it was a pointed arrow in my direction and I disliked it with all of my heart.

“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” Proverbs 21:9

So, I instinctively moved as many pages as I could to continue on.

But something urged me back – and I wasn’t able to find it. I reached for my phone and searched for the passage with “brawling woman”. And to my disbelief – this passage is in scripture twice.

“It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” Proverbs 25:24

At this point, my coffee was more cold than hot – but I sat and sipped while I thought on those words.

Why was it so important that it would be mentioned not once, but twice?

When I began to imagine this brawling woman, I envision one – angry at her husband. Yelling, maybe throwing a dish or two. In general, I always saw her as unhappy and brawling – with a husband.

Unhappy with him.

Fighting with him.

But – what if that isn’t the whole meaning?

Perhaps the warning here is a little more broad. Maybe it’s someone who is ready to brawl – with anyone over anything when the opportunity presents itself.

As I’ve aged, I’ve calmed down quite a bit. I’m no longer as quick to want to argue with others – and I tend to avoid “brawling” situations whether they be online or in person.

But, this morning I began to wonder – do I still gripe and complain over trivial matters or situations out of my control and allow my brawling words to dampen the spirit of those around me? What do my husband and children hear and see from me?

What do others feel when they are around me? Do those on my social media channels need to scroll on by because my posts are of a brawling nature?

I say all of this out of contemplation and in the hopes that if I have been that way – I move on a different person as I try to be nearer to my Saviour and point others to Him.

Tiffany Noth July 3, 2016 No Reply

Loving through God’s Heart

Faith

Today, we were blessed to have a guest pastor visit our church and speak to us during the morning service. It is the day before Independence Day, and this man is a veteran of World War II and the Korean War.

In transparency, my desire to attend services this morning was a monumental struggle. I’m tired, overworked, exhausted, and the list of feeble excuses continues indefinitely.

Throughout the message, he touched a few times on the topic of love. Actually, he started out with it and I felt as if God had purposely placed him there to let me know that He (God) does understand my deep struggle, conviction, and incorrect attitude with this notion. I felt as if God had spoken with this preacher prior to service, pointed at me and whispered of my refusal to love, and then set him to work.

I find it difficult to love. Not in every situation or with every person. I love my husband, children, family, and friends. However, I find it difficult to even come near a place of love for those that our human nature, in an immediate response to hurt, tells us not to love and to distance ourselves from.

I put up walls, become guarded, do not trust, and certainly do not love. After all of the manipulation, lies, meanness, rudeness, scheming, stealing, and cheating I feel that I’ve had heaped upon me (or loved ones) – I find no love in my heart for those behind it all. Almost as if I have a God-given right for that aversion.

After many years of being on my reading list, I’ve finally begun The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom.

Corrie ten Boom was a Dutch watchmaker who became a heroine of the Resistance, a survivor of Hitler’s concentration camps, and one of the most remarkable evangelists of the twentieth century. In World War II she and her family risked their lives to help Jews and underground workers escape from the Nazis, and for their work they were tested in the infamous Nazi death camps. Only Corrie among her family survived to tell the story of how faith ultimately triumphs over evil.

To be honest, I put off reading the book. I knew the story and a summary of her testimony. I knew she forgave and loved even after all that she had experienced. That is why it was difficult for me to pick up her words and pour over them. I haven’t wanted to hear that I should love. I’ve wanted to be justified in my staying behind a wall.

Minus the marked severity of hurt that she experienced – the vast differences between Corrie and myself are perspective and willingness. I have viewed the hurt from my own human heart whereas she took on God’s view. She strove for a spirit of loving everyone with the love that God has for them. She performed it almost naturally and purely.

I was a little dazed at her first mention of deciding to love someone how God loved them. Someone who had purposefully led her heart along a path they knew was a complete lie. Someone who did it without explanation or apology. Someone who she simply, though through a lot of hurt, decided to love as God loved.

How I wish , that within me, this would be an overnight or even an immediate change. I believe that at my first glancce of someone who has been behind hurt, I may instinctively remember the hurt and begin ensuring that the protective wall in front of me is solid. Though this will be a long road – I do see the eternal importance and overall increased well-being for everyone when we love with the love of God and stop viewing this world and our interactions from such a limited human heart.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we ough also to love one another. I John 4:11

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