Yesterday afternoon was gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. My children and I walked to the post office, and mailed in one of our packets for homeschool. We then continued on to a local restaurant for our traditional ice cream treats.
Though, this time, Savannah chose fried pickles. I love getting to see my children enjoy themselves.
I wanted to nitpick on myself and not allow myself any ice cream. But I decided to enjoy the moment. We have more homeschool years behind us than in front of us – and I’ll miss these moments.
At one moment, I glanced down at my peanut butter sundae and reminded myself – that this could… all of it… not exist.
The laughter I heard from Savannah and Joey. Their back and forth decisions over what to try this time. Their enjoyment of the entire outing.
Everything could be so different, so non-existent.
The first time that taking my life crossed my mind – was when Savannah was still growing and forming in my body.
My next wave of attacking thoughts came when Joey was growing inside of me.
Something that I’ve noticed when speaking on my experience with depression – is that for the most part, people turn away.
They don’t know how to react. They may be confused, disgusted – with each it’s different. But most everyone turns away.
Everyone except those who have experienced – either first hand or through a loved one.
I can’t know what would have happened if I had some very important people in my life turn away during those very difficult, and dark days in my life.
My husband never turned away – regardless of my depression, sadness, and anger. As confused and hurt as I’m sure he was. He never turned away. Regardless of what I doled out, he didn’t turn away.
My mother never turned away. Having seen a lot of depression in her line of work and friends or family – she was more experienced and never turned away.
My doctors never turned away.
I saw the reactions to people’s first encounter with me after reading my last post.
Those who approached me about it, had experience with it one way or another.
Some showed me love.
Others gave me a shocked look or “hello”.
I get it. I’m not sure that I would know how to react to others if I hadn’t experienced the same.
In fact, I’m sure that I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t understand that hope is so far removed that it is an entirely foreign concept.
I wouldn’t understand that people who are clinically depressed, aren’t “just really sad”. Though, there is an element of sadness. But it goes far beyond any emotion. It enters a void where emotion does not exist.
I get it. When I’m watching a movie and someone is about to be hurt – I turn away. I don’t look back until the hurt is gone.
We do that to others around us.
Instead of running to this type of hurt, we turn away and hope it goes away before we look back.
I could have missed out on yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
We’ve had so many fantastic memories.
I am so blessed that I had those who wouldn’t turn away.